


Love All Our Broken Pieces

by MyUncreativeUserSorry



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Dex is a Good Friend, Elves are Bigots full shade, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, It's Fitz's, Like so much, Lots of Crying, M/M, Match Lists, Pining, Pretty much 3000 words of Fitz having an anxiety attack, Struggles to Snuggles, They're gay messes, Winnowing Gala, ignorance, self hatred, they cry a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 02:07:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyUncreativeUserSorry/pseuds/MyUncreativeUserSorry
Summary: It's Fitz's Winnowing Gala, and he finds he can't stand hiding for very much longer. The only problem is that he has no choice but to stay hidden from everyone, at all costs. Or does he?





	Love All Our Broken Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This is basically a giant Anxiety/Panic attack, so read at your own risk. Stay safe. 
> 
> Also mentions of homophobia (Fitz (and Dex) refer to themselves as 'broken' quite a few times)
> 
> Fic Playlist:  
Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope  
Shut Up, Kiss Me - Angel Olsen  
Headfirst - Sub-Radio  
Kiss the Boy - Keiynan Lonsdale

The suit itches.

** **

Elvin fabric isn’t meant to itch. Perhaps it’s just the way his skin is crawling, or maybe he’s just over reacting.

** **

“Excuse me.” 

** **

If he wasn’t a Vacker, he might have screeched. Which would have been embarrassing considering the girl was… uhm… petite. Very small. Despite how very non-threatening the girl is, Fitz can feel his palms start to sweat.

** **

Wide eyed, Fitz sneaks a glance at the front of her dress,

** **

#12/#15

** **

That’s what the badge says, she’s 12th on his match list, and he’s 15th on hers.

** **

He’s a Vacker so he gives her a charming (and hopefully convincing) grin. 

** **

“Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss…” he prompts.

** **

“Auraline. Auraline Evett.” Her cheeks are rosy, it’s a nice contrast to her pale skin, he supposes. The name is unfamiliar, thank the council. He’s been introduced to so many girls this evening that it’s becoming hard to keep them straight.

** **

“What a lovely name, fitting. A lovely name for such a lovely girl.” He takes one of her hands and kisses her knuckles, as a gentleman should. She giggles, as all the girls do.

** **

Not all, he chides himself. It’s nothing like a night full of hopeful suitors to stroke a guy's ego.

** **

He promised Sophie he wouldn’t let it get to his head.

** **

Auraline is a nice girl, he decides after a minute of conversation. She doesn’t seem bothered by the dozens of eyes that keep staring.

** **

Or maybe she’s just as good at hiding her discomfort as he is.

** **

She’d make a good wife. That’s what he’s meant to be deciding. He’s had the exact same opinion of every match he’s meet at this dumb gala so far.

** **

They were all wonderful ladies, who would make wonderful wives. But to a husband who would be equally as wonderful to them. Not to someone as broken as him.

** **

He realizes that the conversation has begun to slip. Auraline can tell that he’s disinterested. He wants to tell her that it’s not her fault. He just doesn’t know how.

** **

“Isn’t this party just amazing?” Fitz is pretty sure that he’s never loved Linh more than he does in this moment. She slides up beside him with a smile.

** **

Auraline seems to agree with her sentiment because they immediately begin to chat.

** **

Linh shoots him a look. What’s up with you? It’s saying, Why are you acting so strange?

** **

It’s not supposed to be obvious, he’s gotten good at hiding it. How he freaks out much too easily, how he feels like the world is caving in almost all the time. Maybe, hopefully, Linh just knows him well enough to tell. 

** **

On the hydrokinetics dress is a badge,

** **

#25/#21

** **

Even if they hadn’t been matched, he still would have invited her to the gala. He’d invited all his friends. Deciding, maybe a little melodramatically, that he would never survive this night without some sort of social buffer. Being stuck in a room full of 90 some-odd vying girls, who wanted to know absolutely everything about him. The mere thought made him queasy.

** **

Three more matches try to entice him into conversation, this is gearing up to be the most exhausting evening he’s ever had.

** **

A flash of red hair catches his eye and his breath stutters in his chest. It’s- no, it’s too red. Penelope…. Something. They’d spoken already, for just a moment.

** **

She looks over to him and he realizes he’s been staring, caught up in thought. As soon as she takes a step in his directing he’s already taken 3 in the opposite.

** **

Perhaps if there was no underlying intention he could be enjoying himself. Making friends. These girls weren’t here to make friends, though. They’d shown up because they expected the chance to become his wife. Most Vackers picked from their first list. It had become an expectation, a tradition of sorts. His father was an exception.

** **

The elven world wasn’t keen on exceptions. There’d been whispers for a while after his parents were married, even still. Disgrace to the Vacker name, stepping outside the box. Fitz wasn’t sure if it made him want to laugh or puke.

** **

If number 165 made them whisper about an inferior match, what on earth would they say about him. 

** **

Matches were made for genetic superiority. Elves were made for genetic superiority. For passing the best of your qualities on to your children.

** **

Sophie tries to come talk to him at one point, but it might be the most awkward moment of the entire night and she leaves after only a couple sentences. He’d only broken up with her 2 weeks ago, and he could tell she was still heartbroken. All he felt was guilty because of the relief that overwhelmed him. 

** **

(Fitz clearly remembers the first time Sophie had kissed him. She’d told him it was the greatest thing she’d ever experienced. He had just wanted to crawl out of his skin, to hide. He’d felt nothing. It was the first time he’d experienced one of these… episodes.)

** **

A hand clasps his arm and he tenses, a feeling like the rush of burning fire licking its way up from the unfamiliar fingers. 

** **

“Good evening, Fitz.” The girl's voice is smooth and warm. “I figured it’s high time we get acquainted.”

** **

She sounds so sure of herself, he feels even closer to slipping off the edge with every word. The edge of what? He’s not certain.

** **

On her dress is the badge which fuels her confidence, or maybe she’s always this way.

** **

#1/#1

** **

His number one match. If any of the girls here are destined to take him, this is the one.

** **

This is the one.

** **

If this is the one.

** **

His perfect match.

** **

Why is he so underwhelmed.

** **

There is no swell of music when he meets her eyes. No cosmic connection. Not even a tiny pull of attraction.

** **

She’s pretty, but her eyes are too blue. Her lips are too red. Red. And moving. She’s talking, he finds. Her mouth forms words but they slid past his ears, his mind misses them.

** **

The badge taunts him.

** **

She’s perfect for him.

** **

He’s too broken for her.

** **

It’s not until his fingers begin to ache that he realizes he’s clenching his fists. Something hot and violent bubbles beneath his skin, but he’s a Vacker, and Vackers don’t show their emotions.

** **

His breath catches, her hand is on his cheek. Her eyes are concerned, he doesn’t care. Her hand shifted his gaze, like it was guided by fate.

** **

Between the mingling bodies, only 20 paces away, the person who scares him more than the Neverseen ever could.

** **

Well, he’s not scared of _ them _exactly. He’s terrified of the way his chest compresses as their head is tossed back with laughter. How his face heats with the mere attention of those eyes. How his hand itches to hold theirs.

** **

Petrified of the way he felt so alive the single time their lips had pressed against his forehead.

** **

He’s not scared of Dex.

** **

He’s scared of how broken he is.

** **

He’s scared of how unbroken Dex makes him feel.

** **

The badge in his peripheral is taunting.

** **

Suddenly the world is too much. The girls voice scratched against his ears, the faint lighting turns blinding.

** **

His breathing starts to come in ragged gasps, clawing up his throat. He hears her call for help. Dex’s periwinkle eyes find Fitzes in moments and all Fitz wants is to be near him.

** **

He also wants to get rid of that stupid badge!

** **

It’s a split second decision when he tears the badge from the sequined dress. The lights flash on as the girl shouts. He’s still staring at Dex.

** **

A silent plea in the redheads directing then he’s running. Away, out and away. Out of the atrium. Away from the expectation. Away from the eyes. Away from his heart.

** **

Or, he tries to at least, but that last thing stubbornly stays put. He doesn’t understand why Dex captivates him the way Sophie should have, Linh should have, any girl should have.

** **

He knows he’s broken, he’s always known. Until Dex had come along he’d been able to forget about it. Brush off the way he glowed when Keefe smiled, or when a boy would help him collect things he’d dropped in the hallway, or when one offered him a pencil when he forgot one in study hall.

** **

Then Dex had come around. A whirlwind of change. Vicious as a vermillion he’d rocked Fitz’s world, the first person not to treat him like a prince. Fitz enjoyed it, not having to be perfect.

** **

He’d enjoyed it more when they reconciled, and barbed remarks were swapped with playful banter.

** **

Dex didn’t just change his life, he’s destroyed it. Then he’d stuck around to help rebuild it. Their sweat, their souls, moulded together as they gathered the rubble and built it into a palace.

** **

The worst thing was Dex didn’t even know he’d done it. Because Dex isn’t broken like he is. He’d dated Biana and Marella and he’d enjoyed it

** **

He dives into a random empty room. He knows everyone is looking for him, why wouldn’t they be? He’d caused a scene.

** **

Curled up in a corner he presses his face to his knees, the darkness still too bright. He’s not sure if he’s crying. Hopefully not.

** **

As he stews in the darkness, he’s struck by a thought that makes his heart stutter. What if Dex knew. What if he could tell how Fitz needed him.

** **

Maybe that’s why Dex was so nice to him, just humouring him for a laugh. Throwing an arm around Fitz's shoulder while they walk, smiling at him like _ that _, comforting him when he panicked.

** **

Part of him wanted to scream. It writhed in his throat, begging to get out. The other part of him knew it was useless to try. He could never be mad at Dex. He longed to be able to hate him. To feel anything other then the disgusting, broken way he did.

** **

He can feel his panic switch digging in where his hand sits at his knees. He’s trying to block the memory of the last time he was like this. He can't remember why he freaked out, or when. All he could remember was how Dex had held his hand tightly and made him swear that he would press the switch if it ever happened again. 

** **

Well, that and the way Dex had pulled him close and pressed his head into Fitz's hair, just holding him while he cried, especially vividly he remembered how Dex had pressed a kiss to his temple at some point near the end of his attack.

** **

He should take it off. Throw it. Dex should be the last person he wants to see. Fitz is pretty sure he’s crying now.

** **

\----

** **

Probably minutes later, the door bangs open. Fitz stiffens and looks up from the floor where he’s seated. The overhead light blinks on and he shields his burning eyes, letting out a whimper.

** **

It’s a pitiful sound, and he wishes he didn’t make it. Figures that he can’t even control his own vocal cords.

** **

The light is off in a second, the door clicks closed and footsteps shuffle their way towards him.

** **

“Thank the council.” There it is, Fitz thinks, the most wonderful sound he's ever heard. He can feel himself relax slightly as Dex speaks. 

** **

_ Pathetic _, his brain hisses.

** **

He hears, rather than sees, Dex sit down beside him. He’s already burrowed his face back into his hands.

** **

“Can I touch you?” Dex asks, because he’s done this before, he’s the only one who knows how to help Fitz when he gets like this. 

** **

(Because he’s the only one who knows about it)

** **

He knows that sometimes touch feels like lava on Fitzes skin. Right now, though, it’s lack of touch that leaves him burning. His nod is jerky, Dex’s arm is immediately around his shoulder, pulling him closer to his side.

** **

Fitz is definitely crying.

** **

For a while that’s all there is, Dex’s hand rubbing slow circles on Fitz's back. Fitz's head pressed into the taller boys neck. Dex’s soft voice chanting soothing words. Fitz's sobs echoing through the dark room.

** **

They fade after some time, Fitz's eyes running dry and his lungs cramping. He stopped shaking a while ago, comforted by the warmth of Dex’s presence.

** **

“I was so scared you wouldn’t press it.” Dex says after silence has held the room for long enough. Fitz pulls his face from Dex’s shoulder, surprised to hear him sounding almost as bad as he feels.

** **

One finger lifts, moving to trace a silvery tear track on Dex’s face, illuminated by the dim light.

** **

“You’re crying.”

** **

Dex jerks his head back, wiping his cheeks vehemently.

** **

“I already told you Fitz, you scared me.” He rasps, their knees knock together. Fitz’s stomach rolls with guilt.

** **

“I’m sorry.” He whispers. He’s nearly 17, he should be stronger, he knows that. Being broken shouldn’t equal being a baby, but here he is.

** **

“Don’t,” Dex says sharply “don’t ever apologize for needing help.” Dex looks him in the eye and its almost intense enough to make Fitz want to squirm.

** **

“I was scared because I thought you would try and deal with this on your own.” He explains, “That you would hide somewhere, and be in pain all alone. You looked terrified, you don’t deserve that.”

** **

_ Pitiful _, his brain screams, while his heart warms. Followed by the icy grip of the abuse his mind hurls at him.

** **

His- his differences, his abnormalities. They make him do this to his friends. They make them join him. They make him selfish. Suddenly, he feels dirty, for using Dex like he is. Hiding his brokenness and indulging in the affections. Affections Dex would retract with disgust if he ever truly knew. Or maybe he already knew, and Fitz was just falling victim some prank that would end with him being humiliated and ostracized. 

** **

He’s on his feet, stomping across the floor in the blink of an eye.

** **

“Why do you care?” The words drip like venom down his chin. “Why do you care about what I feel? Or how I deal with things? Why do you care about me?” His voice breaks on the last word, turning into a desperate cry. Somewhere distant inside him knows that the anger coursing through his veins isn’t directed towards Dex. That it sizzles with hatred for no one but himself. But he can’t bring himself to care.

** **

Dex stares up at him from the floor, wide eyed and slack jawed for a long moment. Then something changes, hard resolve covers his expression and he stands. Fitz is washed with an unwarranted wave of fear.

** **

Dex was going to leave. 

** **

But that’s what he wanted, right?

** **

But Dex doesn’t leave. Instead he walks closer, and closer, until they’re nearly toe-to-toe.

** **

Tension hovers in between them. Breath hides in Fitzes lungs, not daring to disrupt the silence.

** **

“I care because there’s no reason I shouldn’t” Dex finally says. “Because you’re a good person. Even with your faults.” It’s achingly simple, Fitz hadn’t been expecting anything flowery. He hadn’t been expecting anything at all, except perhaps a simple ‘I don’t care’ before Dex left forever. But he really wasn’t expecting something so blunt.

** **

It almost changes his mind, or at least crumbles his resolve. He almost gives in to the idea of the false comfort. That he’s good, whole even. But with the badge still in his pocket, and Dex’s expression so open and earnest, he doesn’t think he can pretend any longer.

** **

“You’re wrong.” He says, and his mind feels clear for the first time this entire evening. No longer riddled with doubt and confusion. “You shouldn’t care about me, because I’m not a good person. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I’m too broken to even be considered one.”

** **

Something runs across Dex’s expression, Surprise? Concern? Hurt? Whatever it is, he tried to speak, but Fitz covers his mouth with a hand. 

** **

“Not just because of these… episodes.” He gestures wildly with his free hand. “There’s another reason.” Dex is watching intently. There’s something in the way Dex looks at him, like he can see inside him, into all the mushy, gross feelings. Fitz used to find it scary but now he finds himself almost hoping that he can.

** **

“It’s not something that can be fixed, because it’s not just here-” he motions to his head, “But here, too.” Now his heart. Dex definitely looks concerned now.

** **

Fitz’s hand drifts from Dex’s mouth down to his side, slowly, but Dex still doesn’t try to speak.

** **

Into his pocket. Then out into the air between them. It’s kind of hard to see but with a tap of his thumb the numbers begin to glow. The badge.

** **

“You know why I took this?” He asks, “It’s because she didn’t deserve it. She can’t be my perfect match. None of them can.” It’s easier to say then he thought it would be.

** **

“I’m broken because I could never live with one of them as my wife, with anyone as my wife. I can never love them like I should.”

** **

The taller boys eyes are wide, hope and fear warring in the irises. Fitz doesn’t notice, he’s staring at the badge. Dex is staring at him.

** **

“I’m broken because the only person I want to have this …” The words get stuck in his throat. For a moment he thinks he’s going to choke, right here in this empty room with his soul nearly bared, he was going to die.

** **

But he doesn’t die, though words still strangle him. He simply takes the badge in a shaking hand and presses it onto Dex’s rumpled lapel. 

** **

“I’m broken because you’re the only one who makes me feel whole.” It’s barely a whisper, yet the confession feels like a load off his chest, his shoulders, his mind, his everything.

** **

He drops his hands to his sides and braces for the worst. Dex yelling, telling him that he’s disgusting. Fitz finds that he isn’t certain he can handle it. Not sure he wants to hear every thought that’s plagued him for years get vocalized.

** **

The sound Dex makes is not one of anger though. It almost sounds like a sniffle? Fitz yanks his gaze from the floor.

** **

What he finds is new glassy streaks making their way down Dex’s cheeks.

** **

“I thought I was the only one.” He croaks, “I thought I was alone.”

** **

“Do you mean-?” This must be some sort of dream. Maybe he is dying and his brain is conjuring a final moment of happiness before shutting down. Yet, as he takes in the burning of his eyes and lungs, the wetness of his face, and the tear stains littering both their clothes, he realizes that no one could dream up anything like this.

** **

He’s acutely aware of Dex’s chest rising and falling, the tears navigating their way through his constellation of freckles. His head bobbing in a nod. The way his lips move as he tells Fitz that he feels the same way.

** **

Then they’re hugging, Dex’s arms around his shoulders and their noses were pressed to each others necks. It’s not the first time they’ve hugged, not by a long shot, but it feels like an entirely new world. He can feel every place they touch each other, Dex’s hair tickles his forehead, his pulse beats a steady rhythm against his face, and he feels safe.

** **

“People are probably starting to get really worried.” Dex says into his neck.

** **

“They can worry all they want.” Fitz replies, not even wanting to think about letting go yet. “Because once we leave, we’ll have to break again.”

** **

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it was true. There’s no way the elven world would understand whatever this was, and what they don’t understand, they despise. Dex exhales heavily against his collarbone, then pulls back, moving their foreheads to press against one another. Fitz’s head tilted upwards, and his down.

** **

“Then we’ll be broken together.” He decides, “Always.” The announcement fills Fitz with a happiness he never thought he would experience. Despite the uncertainty, the feeling presses against his ribcage. Expending instead of compressing.

** **

“Now we can be whole together, too.” Dex’s mouth stretches into a dazzling grin and Fitz almost reels, dizzy from it. He can’t help but mirror it.

** **

“I think…” He starts, his gaze shifting to Dex’s eyes, then being dragged down as if by a magnet. “I think I want to kiss you.” He whispers.

** **

Dex’s breath hitches, Fitz is surprised to find that Dex’s eyes can get wider.

** **

“Please do.” Their noses brush. Neither of them are brave enough to make the first move yet.

** **

Then, someone does, their lips meet and the last thought Fitz has is ‘Thank council, this is so much better than kissing Sophie.’

** **

With that feeling of lips on lips, the world Fitz had built up from the rubble in his mind collapsed once again. Reforming. From rubble to a palace, from a palace to rubble, from rubble to a galaxy.

** **

It’s only a second of contact before they’re slightly farther apart from before.

** **

Even with only the light from the moon through the crystal walls Fitz is able to tell what a deep shade of crimson Dex’s face has become.

** **

“Can we do that again?” Dex asks, Fitz smiles, not bothering with a verbal answer.

** **

Maybe it’ll be chaos when they re-enter the real world. The expectations will still be there, there’s still so much they need to talk about. For now, though, they can relish in the silent promise that layers the air.

** **

_ They’ll never have to suffer alone again. _

**Author's Note:**

> This might be the saddest thing I've ever written, I love it so much! I also have a couple of fics in the bank, if y'all think I should post them lemme know (Cause idk if I will) Thanks for reading!


End file.
